I was not ready to accept myself

 

When I was seven years old I realized that I’m different from everyone around me. I used to play with my cousins and my sister most of the time at home, I was never interested to play cricket with my classmates the reason being I couldn’t mingle with any of them. I used to like a TV actor and would dream that someday he will come and marry me, then I realized that it will never became a reality because I was told only a man and woman can get married but not two men.

I buried all my thoughts and concentrated on my studies, I used to spend my time reading my books and watching TV soaps with my mom. The confusion again triggered when I started getting attracted to a cousin of mine. In the mean time I got to know one of my close friend since childhood is also different like me but I was not ready to come out to myself, I guess that was the most difficult for me more than to coming out to my parents. I was not ready to accept myself because I’ve never seen anyone like me in my family. I didn’t know whom to talk to, I was scared if my parents would disown me. Having all these thoughts & fears in my mind I used to sleep crying; almost every day.

Few years later when I came to Hyderabad I heard the term GAY for the first time and I started searching for like-minded people. Search started from Orkut and PlanetRomeo (a dating site for men) I thought my dream of getting married to a guy might now be possible. But I never knew it’ll be so very difficult. I was not a conventionally good looking guy and most of the guys I used to talk to were after these so called good looking guys. I felt out of place in my own community where I thought I would find someone who will be with me forever but I was criticized for my dressing, hair and my physique. As I always wanted someone to love me the way I’m, I never gave importance to my looks. I’ve made few best friends (I thought they’re). Later I met few other guys but never got that spark until I met this man who swept me off my feet. I thought he is the man I was waiting for and started dating him. It didn’t last for long, I found that he was cheating on me and I was left heart broken. I spent around a month crying for him and then my mum found out me crying one night and asked me the reason, and then I told her “I had a breakup“. She asked who that girl is and then I said it’s not a girl it’s a boy and told her “I’m Gay”. My mum didn’t understand for few minutes and then my dad came in and I told him as well. The next reaction was “We are with you, don’t worry about it, we will go to a doctor and everything would be fine“.

I really wanted to change I thought I would give my 100% to change. I’ve visited many psychiatrist and psychologist but my problem was not solved. I realized that it can’t be changed and I was depressed. My dad told my uncle about my sexuality and they came to my home and beat me, locked me in a room and called all the people in my phone book and threatened them not to talk to me. I then realized I never made true friends, none of them were there to support me, and none of them tried talking to me. After a month of torture I left home with a person who claimed to love me but my parents traced me and took me back home..

I made it clear to my parents that I will never stay with them if they don’t accept me the way I am. From that day my dad never spoke about my sexuality till now. My mom is pretty much okay with it but never speaks about it and I really want to give them time as I think it’s very difficult for them as well to understand all this. I started concentrating on my career, I started working part time job at Tata services and continued my studies I completed my studies and got placed in a nice company. I started concentrating on my looks, I tried working on myself. People who earlier criticized me for my clothes, now take fashion advice from me. People who said I was not good looking want to sleep with me now. All these things apart my parents are proud of me, my dad says that I made my own career without anyone’s help. My mom is a strong support for me; she was there for me whenever I need her. She always say not to trust anyone and she is scared that I’ll be all alone in my life.

I’ve never lost any of my friends because of my sexuality, I’ve never been discriminated by any of them. I’m 25 years old I’ve made my own decisions how my life should be and I don’t regret any of them. It’s been difficult journey but it made me the person who I’m today. I realized that when you be yourself and love yourself, whole world will love you!

 

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