I will not marry

Suresh Ramdas

Bangalore

To Myself:

I figured out that I was different from the other boys during schooling days.  I was fighting these feelings that I had for guys. Scared that these feelings don’t come out in the open. This confusion continued all the way to college. But it was during my 2nd year of graduation I realized who I really was. I realized that my attraction towards boys was real, until then I thought it was a phase.

Thanks to internet, I was able to figure that I wasn’t the only one in this world who was having an attraction for guys. I met some guys from chat (17 years back it was called mirc chat). I explored my sexuality quite well during those years. I even tried dating girls to see if all this is a scam in my head. Even after all this, I was still not remotely thinking of saying that I AM GAY. Then one evening during my conversations with one of the guys over coffee is when I felt that I was gay. Later walking back to my hostel room, I said that to myself, “I AM GAY”. I felt good about myself. Never understood the impact of saying that then, but I so strongly feel that now and am glad that I said that to myself.

 

Coming Out to My Best Friends:

college friend

During my second year of college, I got introduced to a guy who was full of fun, loves bikes and a traveler. During the initial days, we used to hang around, chill out after college and have a good time. One day, something happened for which I was there when he needed someone to support him and ever since we have been best buddies.

After I got comfortable with myself, I wanted to let him know. I was not sure how he will react. I was scared of losing this amazing friendship. I battled this around a lot in my head and finally decided to come out to him. After our classes got over, we met at our regular hang out place and asked him to drop me to my hostel room. While we were on the way, my heartbeats never sped that fast.  I told him that I have very important and personal thing to say. He kept a straight face thinking that it’s a new crush of mine at college that I wanted to tell him. (I faked having crushes on girls during college so that my friends think I’m straight).

After a deep breath, I told him I was gay. He was indeed surprised as I could see that on his face and he didn’t speak. Then something in my head told me to tell him that it’s ok for him to not be my friend after this and I will respect that. I

Suresh with his bestie

also told him that it was really nice knowing you and please keep this with him. I rattled all of this and didn’t wait for him to respond. I just left for my room. The coming days I avoided to have a conversation with him. After classes I just went back to my room. After 3 days, I remember, he barged into my room. He then said which I still remember very clearly, I don’t care who you like, but never ever again say that we will not be friends. I was clearly taken aback. He seemed hurt and sad by the fact that I told him to end the friendship. He explained to me as well, that everyone have their choices, like some guys like skinny girls or girls who have more flesh or girls with long hair or big boobs and all. We don’t break friendships with people who like different things. What if you like a guy? I’m fine with that. Those last words just melted me and I fell in love with him for accepting me who I am. He later hugged me and held me for a while longer than usual. That hug was the hug of acceptance, love, respect and everlasting friendship.

colleagues

My colleagues at work with whom I joined and we became friends. During my working days, I was pretty much gay during the weekends and in weekdays, I constantly made sure that I hid my gayness thinking it shouldn’t affect my career. I was living a dual life which was frustrating but was very much required. It so happened that even my colleagues who became my friends didn’t know about this. They used to crack gay jokes during dinner or over drinks and I couldn’t tell them anything, just had to laugh along outwards but inwards was feeling very bad. This hiding continued for a couple of years and then one day I decided that during the New Year’s Eve of 2006 I will let my friends know. When the day arrived, I was still thinking should I tell or not. But after a stiff drink of vodka, I got the courage to tell them. An hour after midnight, I broke the news to them letting them know that I was gay. In this group of friends, 2 were girls and when I told them they smiled, while the 2 guys were a bit surprised and upset. This kind of got me worried. The girls were all thrilled and very happy for me. They mentioned that they always knew that something was different about me which they were absolutely fine with that. They were also very proud that I took such a bold step to be who I am and live my life. When I spoke to the guys, one of them mentioned that he was very upset that I didn’t tell him who I really was. I was shocked. Then he went on to say that I didn’t consider anyone to be my best friend and that’s why I didn’t share this information all this while. All this time they considered me to be their best friend as they shared all their secrets (good, bad and ugly). They felt bad about it, but when I explained to them, they understood why I was quiet about it. After that we celebrated New Year’s again and this time it was for me. A lot of hugging and kissing on my cheeks happened. It was one of my best new year’s in a really long time.

Coming Out to My Parents:

This I think would be the most difficult but the most required stories to tell. By the time I came out to my parents, I was very comfortable with my sexuality, but didn’t have the heart to tell my parents that I was gay. Around 4 years before coming out, my parents had started seeing girls for me thinking it will take time to find the right match for me. During those days, I used to tell my mom that I don’t want to get married. They thought that I didn’t want to get married as I didn’t want to be a responsible guy. My close friends started getting married and this added more pressure to my parents to get me married sooner. But another interesting part during the match making was that my horoscope was not matching with the girls. Due to this I was even more convinced that I wouldn’t need to tell them as I won’t get married. Mentioned this to mom that even god didn’t want me to get married and hence all this is happening. They said that there is a girl in someplace in this earth who is born and waiting for you. I secretly hoping for it to be a guy. I was seeing my parents getting worried about this whole thing. I spoke to my girlfriends who were married, asking their opinion, if it will be right to get married to a girl for my parent’s sake just in case they find a girl. Those were some of the most interesting and heart to heart conversations I’ve had with a girl about everything about a marriage. I then made a very firm decision that I will never get married to a girl and spoil her life for the sake of parents or family or relatives or society.  I also asked my guy friends. They said if you can get married to a girl then go for it as you don’t need to make your parents feel sad and bad. What if something happens to them and you will feel guilty all your life. This also made sense. Making parents proud was one of the key elements that is being instilled in our lives from a very young age. So again I was going through a lot of turmoil which was affecting all aspects of my life. But the fact of cheating a girl is not the right thing to do was always in the back of my mind. Then finally the day that I dreaded came, when my parents told me that they have found a girl whose horoscope matched with mine. They were relieved that their second son’s marriage will happen soon. I was too stunned and shocked to hear that. Later that day I thought and thought of every possible situation that I could think of, the good, the bad and the ugliest.

Suresh with his parents

Then I made my choice and the next day, I called my parents into my room and told them I will not marry. When they asked me why, I said, I’m gay. My dad was like, what’s gay? My heart sank even more thinking how naive my parents are and it will take a long time for them to even understand who I truly and. The next couple of hours were really difficult, as I had to explain to them about many things. Emotions were all over. Parents were angry, sobbing, upset and shocked. All this while, I maintained my composure but at times cried as I couldn’t see my parents cry because of me. I had also decided not to give in to their emotional blackmail, instead tried reverse psychology. I told them, they taught me to be truthful and honest which I’m being honest now. I told them that I will not be happy if I get married to a girl as I can’t love a girl. I even said, if they want me to get married which will make them happy, I will get married. But I won’t be happy one bit in that. That shocked them even more as they said they wanted me to be happy. A lot of a conversations happened for which my parents didn’t have an answer as they were all valid and logical questions. During all this drama (that’s what I think of it as now), I felt relieved, and a heavy weight let off, unburdening of something. I felt light, very happy and proud that I could tell all of this to my parents. I was screaming inside with joy and happiness.

13 thoughts on “I will not marry”

  1. You are a fantastic person buddy and you did great job of telling this story to the world. We are very proud of you and love you as well, my wife especially.

  2. Good morning ,

    From the day10, I know you SureshRamdas ; you are just amazing and keep inspires all the time ..

    Your coming out story was good and it requires huge GUTS to face parents and lucky you

    Have Great days ahead ..
    Keep Loving your SS, family and friends (include me too if possible , don’t forget me )

    Har Khushiyon Mile..
    Aur Khushiyon Ko Baante Rehna
    Suresh… wacky .. 😍

    1. Awwww, Syed… This means really a lot to me… I hope I am able to movtivate someone somewhere to lead the life that they want to… 🙂

  3. Coming out to friends and colleagues is much easier compared to parents. Parents have gone through a lot to get us education and to a position in life. One side its parents and their hard work and the other side is your sexuality!God, that’s really a difficult situation which I would wish that not even my enemy should get into!

    1. Hi Jay, I completely agree that coming to parents is a lot more difficult than coming out to others.

      Parents have indeed gone through a lot for us, but as an individual we also need to be ourselves.

      At times i think my parents weren’t that concerned about my sexuality but what i will do after they are gone. They think that only a woman will be able to take care of the man or marriage is the only solution as they have been molded what that process. We need to change that. My parents haven’t stop loving me as a son. They are also more concerned about what the society will say? How will my son survive the trauma that the society will throw at their kids.

      Having said that, we also need to be strong, confident, be sure about who we are and comfortable about ourselves. That will show in the way you handle things.

  4. This is the first time I am reading the coming out story of someone I know of personally although I know a number of closet cases, including friends.

    I feel happy that in India too we have more people owning up to their true self and sad that it is not easy for them…In some cases impossible.

    My dream is to contribute to a world where every person, irrespective of gender, caste, color, sexuality, preferences, will have the freedom to be his/her true self. One day…It will happen

  5. Thanks Devika…. Yes indeed its my dream as well to see that day when people can lead their life as their way. And am sure it will definitely happen soon…

  6. Hi Suresh, First of all…I am sorry that I was late in responding to this wonderful story of yours. Honestly, I loved it so much that i read it almost like 20+ times…just to know how you felt when you let the world know about your real belonging…So today finally I decided to send a reply and want to say “THANK YOU”…for being such a great human being and being so bold. Your story already might have inspired many….but want to let you know that it has actually opened my eyes…I will tell you how…All these years after Neeraj was gone, I have not had any expectations from life…I always thought there is nothing left for me to be happy about…i should just live till I die…but now I feel differently. I feel that even I can become happy and do things that I like and Love doing…I can be as bold as you are and explore life…So Thank you!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *