IS IT MY BODY?
It is question to God and to me as well. Is it really my body? Like others have. Why the hell my body is not matching with my mind , my soul? Why I am different from others? There are thousand of question but there is no suitable answer for that.
I am transsexual (girl trapped in male’s body). Though my physical appearance is just like girls or there are just few differences (body parts). Life of gays, lesbians, transgender and transsexuals are full of struggle and like serials it has a high voltage drama. So many questions are there in my mind. And I have to answer them wrongly. I am living 2 lives one as real me (transsexual) and second as fake(straight) . I feel extremely bad for that. I also want to live my life as real without disturbing others. There is massive societal pressure; many people tend to fear us or make fun of us. I am seeking counselling to manage horror thoughts regarding my future and my family.
As it quite common with kids who have Gender Dysphoria. I also came to know that there’s something which is not right. When I was 5 year old I started feeling like i’m different. I wore sarees by dupattas etc. I use to live n dress up like girls. I love to dress up like girls . Everyone thought that i’m a child and it will be fine and ignored. I have attractions towards boys but i like to play with girls. I use to play ghar ghar, hide and seek which usually girls play where as I hate playing football or cricket. When other children made fun of me, then I felt that there’s something wrong.
At the age of 7 I thought that I am gay. I came to know about sex etc at the age of 6 because my cousin who is now 21 seduced me while playing. At the age of 10 I fell in love with a boy. In excitement, I told that to my mom. She laughed and dint go against me. She supported me. But that boy was straight and he doesn’t had any attractions so I was hurt. But when I was 15 I again fell in love with another guy. This time , when I happily told her, she got worried and tensed. She took me to a psychiatrist. He said that its not good and he said that I am an abnormal child and bla bla… he thought that I am mad. He started doing counselings and all such stuffs. I felt very uneasy and uncomfortable..I thought that I am all alone in this world. I use to cry at nights. Hiding from everyone.
My acting skills are very good. I decided to took an advantage from it. I have done a drama that I am fine and normal now and proved that I don’t fall in love with other boys anymore. I make the things fake like I watched modelling of boys. I learn how to walk like them. I learn many things but I really felt bad while doing this all. Practicing such learning was also very difficult (i am not practicing it now as now my classmates have sympathetic nature, sympathy for my health issues) But i have no other options. I don’t want to get those electric shocks which I have seen many people bearing.
Mummy was now relieved. After doing a lot of research, finding symptoms and other popular persons like Nikkiey Chawla, Gazal etc I came to know that my feelings match with them and we are transsexuals.
I was so much depressed that now my nerves are weak (nerves of brain) . Now whenever I feel depressed I fall unconscious. But again I have to go for neurologists and psychotherapist for counselling. I never told them about the real me(because of previous incident) .. I gave them fake and lame reasons.
I think that my life is bit tough..i don’t want to leave my parents because they have sacrificed a lot for me. My father always stood in tensions. He has hardly seen any happiness. My parents have all the expectations from me as my younger brother is not good in studies and I am. I have very good relations with my teachers. They always praise me. Though I belong to rich family. My every dream is fulfilled..I feel so lucky and unlucky at the same time.. Plz sugst me wht to dO ? Who will answer my questions? Will my parent be proud of me or hate me? What will be our future. Now my brothers know about the real me as once no one was at home except me and him. I was crying in front of my shivji(im devotee of him, crying infront of his idol) and he came there. He has positive attitude to people like us so I, crying, confessed everything. And he happily, emotionally supported me but sometimes he feels ashamed of me. He doesn’t want me to come in front of his classmates as they make fun of me. I have to live with these issues, with their comments but he has…. Well i know these questions are unanswerable . But i have hope. I want to payback every happiness to my parents so to be free.